RSS

Category Archives: Edible

Food you can actually eat. Probably. Well, it *might* not harm you to try. Maybe.

Mephistopheles’ Mixed Meat Mystery Meat Meatloaf. Meat.

Soul-warming comfort food, for those cold days in Hell.

Ingredients

2 Tbsp unsalted butter, because you don’t want to die young, amirite?
1 cup of finely chopped onion
1 celery rib, taken from the very first celery man.  SEE?  We can pull that stunt TOO you know.  Meh.
1 carrot, (finely chopped) because proper food of the devil will always grow downwards.
1/2 cup of finely chopped green onion, including the green onion greens. Green.
3 cloves garlic, minced. EW. WHAT! OH HELL NO. No garlic. Leave out the vile garlic. Forget I ever said garlic. NO GARLIC.
2 teaspoon salt. Forget that shit about unsalted butter, that’s just to placate your feeble mind. AHAHAHAHA. Health schmealth.
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper. Nothing worse than stale ground pepper.
2 teaspoons Worcestercestershoostershire sauce. 3 tsp if you can actually pronounce it.
2/3 cup tomato sauce, divided 1/3 and 1/3. I am nothing if not absurdly pedantic about this so see that you get it EXACTLY right.
1 1/2 pounds of mutilated cattle meat. Don’t be bashful, I know you have some around the place, we all do, there’s no shame in it.
3/4 pound of spicy ground Italians, Danes or Germans, or a combination, or whatever meat you have lying around leftover from whatever you were doing before.
1 cup fresh bread crumbs
2 large eggs, beaten to within an inch of their lives
1/3 cup minced fresh parsimony leaves, you uncharitable bastards.  You’re on my list.

Method

Place empty rack in the middle of Hell.

hell rack

Melt the butter in a large, thick-bottomed corpse, over medium flame. When the butter starts to foam, add the finely chopped onions, celery, carrot, green onions and no garlic to the pan and cook for half an eternity. Longer if necessary.

Cover the pan and cook for another half an eternity, until the carrots are tender, stirring. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add the Worsestcestercestershire sauce and EXACTLY one-third cup of tomato sauce. Cook for another minute and remove from heat to cool. BAHAHAHAHA you can’t, this is hell. Just messing with you.

Just put it down anywhere. It’s all hot.

Add remaining ingredients (except tomato sauce) and mix thoroughly with your hands. No wait, that sounds kind of gross. Pick up someone else’s hands, you should have some lying about, and use those to mix it up. That’ll work better.

Just look around you, you're probably knee-deep in them already.

Much more hygienic this way.

Place the meatloaf mixture into a loaf pan and press to make compact in the pan. Pour over the rest of the tomato sauce. Place on rack.

Bake for about an hour or until a meat thermometer inserted into the center of the meatloaf reads 15 million degrees Kelvin. Remove from rack and just, kind of, sit for 10 minutes, staring at it, wishing it was a pizza.

Aaaaah, soul food.  My favourite.

Aaaaah, soul food. My favourite.

Using your favourite pitchfork, carefully lift the meatloaf out of the tin.

Slice into moderate chunks and distribute widely.

Devour.

demon meatloaf

Aaah. Good, hellsome meatloaf. Because you shouldn’t eat Faust Food.

Advertisements
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on February 17, 2015 in Edible

 

Tags: , , ,

Weeping Angel Food Cake

Don’t Bake. Bake and you’re dead. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. And don’t Bake. Good Luck.

6 egg whites Read the rest of this entry »

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on November 23, 2013 in Discomfort Food, Edible

 

Tags: , , , ,

Fruit Punch In The Face

Chill or Be Chilled.

  • 8 cups fluid excretions of your favourite fruits, rodents or ghouls
  • 5 cups carbonated water. How you aerate is none of my concern.
  • 1 punnet cheerful, rosy red strawberries, thoroughly terrified, enslaved and eviscerated, in that order Read the rest of this entry »
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on July 27, 2013 in Edible

 

Tags: , , , , ,

Zuul’s Fried Egg Sandwich

A quick and discreet subcreature special.

 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 24, 2013 in Edible

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Coconut Ice Giants

Quick and easy snack for Ragnarok.

  • Oily secretions of unspecified Vegetables
  • 300g (2 cups) pure virginal sugar of ice and icing
  • 1/4 tsp cream of the tartars or mongols Read the rest of this entry »
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 21, 2013 in Edible

 

Tags: , , , , , ,

Sticky Hate Pudding

Always popular with starving hordes and omnivorous demi-gods.

  • Melted and berated butter, to grease the palms of Charon and a cake tin
  • 200g decrepit dates, remove their pits of hell and chop without mercy
  • 250ml (1 grail) holy water Read the rest of this entry »
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 20, 2013 in Edible

 

Tags: , , , ,

Cake of Cthulhu

You can really taste the insanity.

  • The melted butter of subjugated cattle
  • 265g (1 1/3 cups, firmly packed) brown sugar as sweet as endless destruction and loss
  • 185ml (3/4 cup) milk of human kindness Read the rest of this entry »
 
Leave a comment

Posted by on June 19, 2013 in Edible

 

Tags: , , , ,