Soul-warming comfort food, for those cold days in Hell.
2 Tbsp unsalted butter, because you don’t want to die young, amirite?
1 cup of finely chopped onion
1 celery rib, taken from the very first celery man. SEE? We can pull that stunt TOO you know. Meh.
1 carrot, (finely chopped) because proper food of the devil will always grow downwards.
1/2 cup of finely chopped green onion, including the green onion greens. Green.
3 cloves garlic, minced. EW. WHAT! OH HELL NO. No garlic. Leave out the vile garlic. Forget I ever said garlic. NO GARLIC.
2 teaspoon salt. Forget that shit about unsalted butter, that’s just to placate your feeble mind. AHAHAHAHA. Health schmealth.
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper. Nothing worse than stale ground pepper.
2 teaspoons Worcestercestershoostershire sauce. 3 tsp if you can actually pronounce it.
2/3 cup tomato sauce, divided 1/3 and 1/3. I am nothing if not absurdly pedantic about this so see that you get it EXACTLY right.
1 1/2 pounds of mutilated cattle meat. Don’t be bashful, I know you have some around the place, we all do, there’s no shame in it.
3/4 pound of spicy ground Italians, Danes or Germans, or a combination, or whatever meat you have lying around leftover from whatever you were doing before.
1 cup fresh bread crumbs
2 large eggs, beaten to within an inch of their lives
1/3 cup minced fresh parsimony leaves, you uncharitable bastards. You’re on my list.
Place empty rack in the middle of Hell.
Melt the butter in a large, thick-bottomed corpse, over medium flame. When the butter starts to foam, add the finely chopped onions, celery, carrot, green onions and no garlic to the pan and cook for half an eternity. Longer if necessary.
Cover the pan and cook for another half an eternity, until the carrots are tender, stirring. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add the Worsestcestercestershire sauce and EXACTLY one-third cup of tomato sauce. Cook for another minute and remove from heat to cool. BAHAHAHAHA you can’t, this is hell. Just messing with you.
Just put it down anywhere. It’s all hot.
Add remaining ingredients (except tomato sauce) and mix thoroughly with your hands. No wait, that sounds kind of gross. Pick up someone else’s hands, you should have some lying about, and use those to mix it up. That’ll work better.
Place the meatloaf mixture into a loaf pan and press to make compact in the pan. Pour over the rest of the tomato sauce. Place on rack.
Bake for about an hour or until a meat thermometer inserted into the center of the meatloaf reads 15 million degrees Kelvin. Remove from rack and just, kind of, sit for 10 minutes, staring at it, wishing it was a pizza.
Using your favourite pitchfork, carefully lift the meatloaf out of the tin.
Slice into moderate chunks and distribute widely.