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Hors D’Oeuvres

This post is for all you demigods looking for Hors D’Oeuvres recipes. You know who you are. Maybe you’re an old hand and you’ve been asked repeatedly to harness your creativity and provide the pre-dinner snacks for all those other demigods you mustang out with but secretly despise.  Or maybe this is the first time you’ve been saddled with the responsibility of bringing the Hors D’Oeuvres to the annual orifice cocktail party.

For the inexperienced it can be a real night mare.

I bet that even now some of you demigods at home are already worried about an upcoming event. Too many mouths to feed… (Hats off to whomever is catering for the Hydra right now, by the way.  Kudos and commiserations, bruh.)

Well, you’re stressed now, but you won’t be furlong. Because we are here to bale you out!

So just for you, here are three, count them, THREE, Hors D’Oeuvres recipes guaranteed to stirrup the party and keep you reining surpreme.

1. Stuffed Eggs Hors D’Oeuvres

Ingredients:

  • 1 Hors
  • 12 eggs
  • 60g butter that’s gone almost melty
  • Some mayonnaise. Like 1/4 cup or whatever. If you’re into that kind of thing.
  • 1 tsp Dutch or Malaysian curry powder, or to taste. I’ll be honest I have never heard of either of those two things. I only know about Clive.
clive

Clive’s the name, Curry’s the game!

Or buy the Dutch, if you have a source.  That’s cool too.  And also even legal in some places.

  • Salt
  • Pinch sweet paprika to serve

Method:

First, catch your hors.

horseeye

Then locate the D’Oeuvres.

hors anatomy

Once located, have your butcher remove them, then salt that hors and hang like a hors for at least a week.

Fill a saucepan with water, bring to a boil, then reduce heat and allow to boil gently. This is riveting stuff, is it not.

Boil the eggs for 8 minutes. Then put them in cold water, then as if you haven’t tortured them enough, crack the shells by rolling firmly on a bench, then run the eggs under cold water while removing the shells. They should be thoroughly subjugated by now.

Slice in half any nearby nonbelievers lengthways with a clean sharp knife.

Split eggs, remove yolks. Combine yolks in a food processor with the hors, all the butter and 8L mayonnaise, cos we’re totally into that kind of thing, sprinkle delicately with salt and season liberally with chopped hors and some Dutch, process until smooth.

Transfer to a piping bag with a fluted nozzle, and pipe in a circular motion to make rosettes to fill the egg whites. Or, if you live in the real world, use two mismatched teaspoons to jam that garish yellow paste back into the oval ovulates it sprang from.

Dust with paprika and serve at room temperature. Probably you could throw down some chopped chives there too so it looks like a health food.

2. Blinis with Smoked Salmon

Ingredients:

Blinis
Salmon
200 Cigarettes

Method:

In a medium bowl, whisk salmon like a boss.

In another bowl, beat that bastard freshly until firm peaks form. It’ll be really agitated by now.

Once salmon is subjugated and anxious, start it on one cigarette a day, working up until it’s smoking a pack a day.

Heat a griddle over moderate heat until very hot. Or a hot heat until very moderate. Apply blinis to heat. Or apply heat to blinis.

Heat your blinis, I honestly don’t care how. Use lazer vision if you are so endowed. Or borrow a neighbour’s.

Transfer the blini to a platter, (not a plate, OMG we aren’t barbarians). Top with the smoked salmon and a dollop of sour cream.

Garnish the blini with chives like nothing is wrong, and serve right away.

3. Tuna Moose

OK technically not a hors but it’s still an ungulate mammal and, frankly, rather a bit of a dish.

Ingredients:

  • 5 tablespoons unassaulted butter
  • 200g drained canned tuna. (Or 17oz jarred tuna if you’re a bit old-fash).
pony

I’m feeling a little horse today.

  • 5 tablespoons Moose
  • 1 small roasted red pepper, chopped. Youtube it if you cannot roast a red pepper. Or just lend it to Lucifer for a few days, guaranteed it’ll be roasted when you get it back.
  • Salt and freshly ground. (That’s it. Just salt dirt.)
  • 2 tablespoons pine nuts that are still pining. Ideally you want these about half an hour after they experienced loss, when they are at peak suspire
  • 24 thin baguette toasts.  Or 23.  I won’t tell if you nibble one or two on the way.  Only your god can judge you.

Method:

Clean your moose. Always try to source the best quality moose you can afford.

IslBG

Outstanding in his field.

In a food processor, combine 4 tablespoons of the butter with the cleaned moose, the tuna and red pepper, and process to a coarse puree. Season with salt and pepper.

In a small skillet, melt the remaining 1 tablespoon of butter. Add the pine nuts and cook over low heat, stirring occasionally, until golden brown, about 3 minutes.

Spread about 2 teaspoons of tuna moose on each toast and transfer to a platter. Garnish with the toasted pine nuts and serve.

Make Ahead
The moose can be refrigerated overnight. Bring to room temperature before serving.

froz moose

Although it’s not great for the moose.

DEVOUR.

… WITH A GLASS OF CHILLED SAUVIGNON BLANC.  I DON’T KNOW EITHER, BUT MY SOMMELIER SAID TO SAY IT.

hors doeuvres

This could also serve as the mane event.

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Mephistopheles’ Mixed Meat Mystery Meat Meatloaf. Meat.

Soul-warming comfort food, for those cold days in Hell.

Ingredients

2 Tbsp unsalted butter, because you don’t want to die young, amirite?
1 cup of finely chopped onion
1 celery rib, taken from the very first celery man.  SEE?  We can pull that stunt TOO you know.  Meh.
1 carrot, (finely chopped) because proper food of the devil will always grow downwards.
1/2 cup of finely chopped green onion, including the green onion greens. Green.
3 cloves garlic, minced. EW. WHAT! OH HELL NO. No garlic. Leave out the vile garlic. Forget I ever said garlic. NO GARLIC.
2 teaspoon salt. Forget that shit about unsalted butter, that’s just to placate your feeble mind. AHAHAHAHA. Health schmealth.
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper. Nothing worse than stale ground pepper.
2 teaspoons Worcestercestershoostershire sauce. 3 tsp if you can actually pronounce it.
2/3 cup tomato sauce, divided 1/3 and 1/3. I am nothing if not absurdly pedantic about this so see that you get it EXACTLY right.
1 1/2 pounds of mutilated cattle meat. Don’t be bashful, I know you have some around the place, we all do, there’s no shame in it.
3/4 pound of spicy ground Italians, Danes or Germans, or a combination, or whatever meat you have lying around leftover from whatever you were doing before.
1 cup fresh bread crumbs
2 large eggs, beaten to within an inch of their lives
1/3 cup minced fresh parsimony leaves, you uncharitable bastards.  You’re on my list.

Method

Place empty rack in the middle of Hell.

hell rack

Melt the butter in a large, thick-bottomed corpse, over medium flame. When the butter starts to foam, add the finely chopped onions, celery, carrot, green onions and no garlic to the pan and cook for half an eternity. Longer if necessary.

Cover the pan and cook for another half an eternity, until the carrots are tender, stirring. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. Add the Worsestcestercestershire sauce and EXACTLY one-third cup of tomato sauce. Cook for another minute and remove from heat to cool. BAHAHAHAHA you can’t, this is hell. Just messing with you.

Just put it down anywhere. It’s all hot.

Add remaining ingredients (except tomato sauce) and mix thoroughly with your hands. No wait, that sounds kind of gross. Pick up someone else’s hands, you should have some lying about, and use those to mix it up. That’ll work better.

Just look around you, you're probably knee-deep in them already.

Much more hygienic this way.

Place the meatloaf mixture into a loaf pan and press to make compact in the pan. Pour over the rest of the tomato sauce. Place on rack.

Bake for about an hour or until a meat thermometer inserted into the center of the meatloaf reads 15 million degrees Kelvin. Remove from rack and just, kind of, sit for 10 minutes, staring at it, wishing it was a pizza.

Aaaaah, soul food.  My favourite.

Aaaaah, soul food. My favourite.

Using your favourite pitchfork, carefully lift the meatloaf out of the tin.

Slice into moderate chunks and distribute widely.

Devour.

demon meatloaf

Aaah. Good, hellsome meatloaf. Because you shouldn’t eat Faust Food.

 
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Posted by on February 17, 2015 in Edible

 

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Snap, Kraken and Pop

Apparently these are Vice Krisipies in the USA, but in Australia they are Vice Bubbles. Either way, your day depends on a nourishing breakfast. Vicing yourself is a proper start to the day. 9 out of 10 doctors agree. Well, out of the ones we paid, anyway.

Ingredients:

– Get some damn Vice Krispies! Or Vice Bubbles! Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on December 4, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Mayan-Aze

Pointless drudge work to occupy your slaves when you have no other work to give them.

Ingredients:

2 eggs

40-50 captives seized in war from neighboring enemy village, at room temperature Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on July 28, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

Weeping Angel Food Cake

Don’t Bake. Bake and you’re dead. Don’t turn your back. Don’t look away. And don’t Bake. Good Luck.

6 egg whites Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on November 23, 2013 in Discomfort Food, Edible

 

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Devils on Horseback

Entertaining classic c. 1970.  Virtually unheard of since 1971.  Good way to use up any leftover devils or horses that you have in your fridge.  Or alternatively, keep a few devils on hand at all times, for when those unexpected guests appear.

Ingredients:

Devils Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on October 31, 2013 in Don't try this at home

 

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Devil’s Ood Cake

For when you are so hungry that you have to enslave and mutilate a peacfeul alien race which are then telepathically possessed as you hurtle uncontrollably towards a planet orbiting a black hole that is housing an ultimate evil being known as the Beast.

Ingredients:

cocoa
sugar
water Read the rest of this entry »

 
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Posted by on October 30, 2013 in Don't try this at home

 

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