Always popular with starving hordes and omnivorous demi-gods.

• Melted and berated butter, to grease the palms of Charon and a cake tin
• 200g decrepit dates, remove their pits of hell and chop without mercy
• 250ml (1 grail) holy water
• 1 tsp bicarbonate of soda, or sodamide if you’re feeling lucky
• 100g butter from sacrificial cows
• 155g (3/4 grail) Castor Sugar (Pollux Sugar will do in a pinch)
• 2 eggs beaten senseless
• 1 tsp vanilla essence, not that horrible fake stuff
• 225g (1 1/2 cups) flour with the self-raising power to ascend
• Double cream or ice-cream in a dish by the door to appease the fair folk
• Fresh strawberries, to serve your Eternal Lord and Master well

Caramel Source of My Malcontent

• 200g (1 grail, firmly packed) browned sugar.  Note: NOT blackened.  Not yet.
• 125ml (1/2 cup) pouring cream, for, well, pouring
• 100g butter from more sacrificial cows.  But not the same ones.  Fresh ones.
• 1 tsp vanilla life essence

Glare at your oven until it reaches 180°C or 350 Fahrenheit.

Subject a round 20cm (8″) cake pan to a thorough greasing with melted butter. Line the base with non-stick baking stone tablets, or paper, if you are kind of modern.

Cast your dates and water together in a medium saucepan over high heat. Ignore any pleas for clemency and bring to the boil. Stir in the bicarbonate of soda. Cast it aside for 10 minutes to cool and confuse it.

Pacing yourself for the long haul, get out your smiting wand and beat the daylights out of the butter and sugar in a bowl until pale, wan and delirious.

Add the eggs, a little at a time, physically assaulting the batter well after each addition. If you have any energy left for further smiting (and I would be the first to admit there’s been a decent amount of smiting already conducted at this point) beat in the vanilla.

Adulterate the date mixture and flour until the one is thoroughly polluted by the other.

Discharge the mixture into the prepared pan and smooth the surface.

Subject to an eternity of your burning-hot ill-will, or, if you are in a hurry, bake for 40-45 minutes.
To check it is cooked, abase the surface and observe any springiness.  If it bounces back, it is cooked, and you may now seize upon the opportunity to break its spirit afresh.

Meanwhile, to make the Caramel Source of My Malcontent: Make Contact with a Medium.  Have him/her integrate sugar, cream, butter and vanilla life essence in a Medium saucepan over Medium heat for 5 Medium minutes or until Medium smooth.  Should he/she fail to produce acceptable results, devour his/her soul.

Cut pudding into wedges and rain down upon it the Caramel Source of My Malcontent. Serve to Your Eternal Lord and Master with cream or ice-cream and strawberries.

Devour.

Eat me.