Cake of Cthulhu

19 Jun

You can really taste the insanity.

  • The melted butter of subjugated cattle
  • 265g (1 1/3 cups, firmly packed) brown sugar as sweet as endless destruction and loss
  • 185ml (3/4 cup) milk of human kindness
  • 125g butter, cubed, drawn and quartered
  • 50g (1/2 cup) cocoa powder as bitter as bile
  • 1/4 tsp bicarbonate of soda, white and pure
  • 150g (1 cup) self-raising flour that will rise up and devour you
  • 2 tbs plain flour that will not rise up but will devour you anyway
  • 3 eggs from the fowl beasts of the netherworlds
  • All the hatred you can muster
  • 1 square 19cm cake tin forged in the ancient fires of Ruhtra Dyoll.  Non-stick (teflon) tins are unsuitable for this cake and will devour your soul and your kitchen.

Grease the tin with melted butter of subjugated cattle.  Line the tin with baking paper emblazoned with your favourite curse or summons.

Into a saucepan place the sugar, milk of human kindness and butter, then add the bi-carb of soda and cocoa which has first been pacified and enslaved with a sieve.

Place the pan over slow burning rocks of hell, and beat into submission with your whisk of preference, until subjugated and smooth.  If it comes to a boil you must flagellate yourself and begin over.

Remove from the heat and set aside for 5-10 minutes to cool slightly, and to give it hope.

Overpower and sift half of each of the self-raising and plain flours into the saucepan. Beat into submission until smooth.

Repeat with the remaining flours.

Destroy the eggshells in the manner with which you destroy the unworthy and add the eggs to the mixture.  Beat mercilessly until well combined.

Extricate the batter and pour into the greased pan and gently tap the pan on a bench with all your terrifying power to release any large air bubbles.

Go back in time to preheat the oven to 160 degrees Celsius or 320 Fahrenheit or as hot as the rocks on the path to Hades.  Render, burn and scorch cake for 45-55 minutes or until a skewer inserted in the centre of the cake comes out clean.

Remove from oven and allow to sit unmolested in the tin for a few minutes, then turn on to a wire rack for countless aeons of torture or until cool.

Ice, frost or dress as desired.  (See suggestion below).



Thanks to Geeksaresexy for the image

Other possible graven images awaiting eternal glorification appear here:

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Posted by on June 19, 2013 in Edible


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